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When Meqal asked, "Who wants to see Billie Piper naked?" ... I was chirping like Sally Struthers in that TV commercial, "Sure! We ALL would!"

Well, I just saw the first episode, and ... it annoyed the heck out of me.

Obviously, with a title like "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," I wasn't expecting Shakespearean depth. And as an official Lonely Middle-Aged Guy, I have "TARGET AUDIENCE" stamped on my forehead in big bold red letters.

Still couldn't get through it.

Major annoyance: It's shot on video, it's lit to look like it's not been lit, and I actually checked my shirt pocket at one point to make sure they hadn't actually recorded it using the camera in my cell phone. For all I know, Billie Piper actually was naked in this episode, and I just couldn't fucking see her. I suppose this is some idiot producer's idea of "documentary realism," but there's no attempt whatsoever at a documentary style, except for an occasional random hand-held Woody-Allen-after-his-best-years-were-gone shaky-cam effect. ITV, Showtime: There's a reason that cinematographers spend decades learning their craft, and hours lighting a single shot: SO THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE PAYING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR US TO LOOK AT.

Minor annoyance: The sex scenes look like they were edited by Rose Mary Woods. Obviously, with a title like "Secret Diary of a Call Girl", there are only two legitimate ways you can go here:

1. The Lifetime Movie Network way. "SEX scenes? WHAT sex scenes? What's important is her inner angst, and how her self-esteem and feminine empowerment were destroyed by the evil men who only wanted her body ...."

2. The Lonely Middle-Aged Guy "TARGET AUDIENCE" way. "SEX scenes! HOT sex scenes! What's important is to see her inner ... "

So far, anyway, ITV has managed "neither of the above." They seem to want X-rated sex scenes without showing anything X-rated. So, they go something like this:

Billie moves her head down to her client's throbbing CUT TO CLOSEUP OF CLIENT'S FACE. Client: "That feels really good." Billie stops what she is doing, raises her head, and says "Thank you." Billie moves her head back down to her client's throbbing CUT TO ...

Minor Annoyance Number 2: Did Billie Piper learn to speak English from Penelope Cruz? Client: "I ... I've never been with a call girl before." Billie: "mumblerassenfrassenfishnchipsn." Client: "Thank you for understanding." Billie: "wassawissabobsyeruncle." 'enry 'iggins, where are you when we need you?

From now on, when I want to see a sexy Showtime series, I'm sticking with "Weeds." Feisty Mary Louise Parker in a sundress puts this whole lot to shame.

Where do you find the good parts, Indo? Always interested in sites that post TV and movie clips just slightly too naughty for YouTube. (Given that YouTube has an age-restriction function, and given some of the trash that they allow, I've never understood their "no bewbies!" rule ....) Dailymotion? Something like that?

sidesk!

You, me ... and, apparently, most of the rest of America has given up on it too, eber. From Lisa de Moraes' TV column in the Washington Post today:

[RATINGS] LOSERS :

"Secret Diary of a Call Girl." Showtime's crowd seems to be quickly losing interest in the network's call girl. Only about half of those who watched the unveiling returned for another round a week later -- that's about 538,000 people. Its "Weeds" lead-in fared much better, week to week, bagging 1.1 million viewers, compared with the previous week's 1.3 mil in the same slot.