Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
-mark twain

"I want to leave this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in someone else's blood."

"I'm so adjective, I verb noun."

Women are bound to have sex. It's just a matter of time, and a willingness to lower standards.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
---Frank Zappa

Christianity: The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense.

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." -Einstein